В 2011 году Нэнси Чандлер Питтман, основательница традиции тринитарной викки собирала антологию историй христианских виккан, которую планировала издать. Мне ничего неизвестно о судьбе публикации: вероятно, она не увидела свет. Однако я написал свою историю и послал ей. Сейчас я публикую ее вослед другим рассказам о сикретическом, христоязыческом пути. Примеров этого пути довольно много, и это — еще один. Я пока не перевожу его. С тех пор многое изменилось, я сейчас не могу считать себя никоим образом связанным с христианством — разве что генетически. Но забывать об этом нельзя
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I’m a 28-year-old Wiccan from Saint-Petersburg, Russia. The religion I practice and profess came to me after about a decade of search, trial and faliure. I think I’m not a Trinitarian Wiccan, since for me Christian pantheon is not exclusively the only one I work with — but by the standards of Russian Wiccans, who mostly hate the term, I can be called a Christian Wiccan — that is, a weird one, who is not a normal Pagan, and, of course, cannot be considered a mainstream Christian or Jew either.
My mother is a baptized Russian Orthodox Christian and my father is a Jew. Both influenced me strongly: ever since my childhood I had the image of a benevolent rather than strict God of Abraham, to whom I prayed in need. From my parents I also inherited a valuable notion of spiritual freedom and toleration to others’ beliefs and ways — since my childhood I has been encouraged to decide for myself in matters of devotion and ethics. Since our «devotions» were wildly individualistic and didn’t include obligatory or regular visits to church or synagogue, no wonder I thought of religion as something very individual, the matter between one’s heart and God.
With such attitude in my high school I started studying Western esotericism and practicing basic rituals of the Golden Dawn magick (LBRP, Hexagram rite, Middle Pillar etc.). It was not long since Scott Cunningham’s Solitary Practitioner’s Guide fell into my hands and I started experimenting with Wicca as a “lower magic” complementary to the “high magic” and “Cabbala” that I had been already practicing. Following some obscure impulse I self-dedicated in a ritual that mixed Enochian invocations and prayers and meditations related to God and Goddess, written by myself.
That was about ten years ago, and in the meantime I got to know ancient paganisms, Christian theology and the Bible better. As a historian I first studied St Augustine and his millieu and then the New England Puritans. In my university years I also came into a closer contact with Russian Orthodox Church, though it resulted in an indignation with its rigid and indeed corrupted organizational structure, that I still espouse. However Christian theology as part of Platonic and Neo-Platonic tradition got hold of me. I still perceived Godhead as both transcendent and immanent, I still couldn’t treat other religions than Christianity as errors or diabolical teachings, but I came to share with mainstream Christianity the notion of sin (though not the moral code that it prescribed) and generally pessimistic outlook on human nature. Christ’s sacrifice was not so important for me personally: I didn’t feel myself saved through the
Saviour’s death. I rather identified with his tormentors or those who he passes by, according to the most brutal of predestination theologians.
Thinking on religious matters often eclipsed, in those years, my living practice of ritual and connection with the Divine. Now I consider it to have happened because of my distrust to myself. I had quite a lot of moments that brought me consolation and reconciliation with the world, Godhead and myself, if not with other people, and it were those moments when theology vanished and something else came in its place. These were the moments of mystical communication. It was a direct experience of divine love and being, that knew no conditions,neither imposed any on my soul or the world in general. As time passed, I learnt to call this presence in a feminine gender; when I came to church, I identified it with the overarching Maria painted in the apsis, sheltering with her hands the Child – the world and myself.
All this occurred at the backdrop of my mundane life: pursuing my academic career as a historian I left my native city and moved to Russia’s “Northern capital”, Petersburg, where I experienced the most severe alienation from other people and the most devastating fits of self-loathing I had ever had. Quite a common thing for these latitudes, it all led me to the doors of a mental institution. It was there that I finally “converted” into Wicca. I didn’t dream of accepting some established way of believing or walking some spiritual path – I just somehow found Wicca and generally – the reverence to God, my Father and Comrade, my Brother, Helper and Teacher and his Mother, Lover, Wife and Sister Goddess – my Protectress, my Mother and my Source – at the core of my life. Then my present personal liturgy evolved.
It all happened in 2006. Since then I have made some progress in my career, settled in Petersburg, married and became an eclectic coven member. I also study Wicca as a scholar. When I look back and think on what prevented me from slipping down to mental and physical destruction, I find that it was the direct intercession of God and Goddess. The Church of Our Lady’s Intercession was actually the one where I – fruitlessly – tried to seek comfort in the days of my sorest distress.
My personal liturgy includes daily rituals, sabbaths and esbats. Sabbaths and esbats I usually celebrate with my coven, though sometimes with my wife, who is also a Wiccan, though, unlike me, with a grudge towards Christianity. In a daily ritual course I refer to God and Goddess in unity as “Jesumaria” and “Yahdonai” – the names that served some Christian and Jewish mystics to celebrate the union of the masculine and the feminine in God. As a daily invocation to God I use Psalm 110 (omitting its brutal verses that concern breaking of heads and trampling over enemies). What I find valuable here is the notion
of the Godhead that is the Source of God and Goddess (“The Lord [the Source] said unto my Lord [God, Cosmic Christ, Pantocrator, Consort of the Goddess]”) and the mysterious “order of Melchisedek”. In fact I consider us Wiccans, Pagans and mystics in general to belong to this Order – the primordial Tradition that is not for us to know in its integrity (and I’m seriously critical about people who presume to speak on its behalf), but which is somehow “religion itself” and underlays any spiritual search. My favourite protection spells are psalms 23, 91 and 121. I feel quite comfortable with them – they are compatible with my beliefs. I also use pieces of Jewish and Latin prayers to address my God and Goddess.
However, for all this, I consider myself Pagan, though understanding very big discrepancies of my own theological or ethical views with those of the ancients – even those who are among my sources, for instance Plato and Heraclitus – or of modern Pagans. Considering the latter, I often find that I disagree with them in very important matters, that I think need revision, using the insights we can gain from Christianity. These matters are the problem of evil and history in its sacred dimension (if there is such). I’m not very sure about these issues myself, but…we’re working on that!
For me Jesus Christ and Maria are legitimate God and Goddess couple, similar to that of the other pantheons, as well as Yahwe and Ashera or Sh’khina (Elohim together). The history of Jesus is an important tale of the God’s suffering – of his “pathos” (Greek for suffering) – for the benefit of others. The tale is not so much about the Cross as about his whole life, his search of himself and the misunderstanding
he met around him. All that lives meets counteraction to its existence and the struggle against it constitutes the life force that is the source of any creativity, pleasure and, maybe, existence itself. It is the ineffable One that meets nothing to counteract it, and we all, sooner or later, return to it – but in the meantime we fight a Chrsitlike fight of love to our Goddess – to that which counters us either with pleasure and acceptance or with the Crone’s Sickle and dread. Love (or magic, as we often call it) is the path, however, and is above and below us as we walk the Galilee and Jerusalem of this rippling cosmos.
I very much admire the project of Trinitarian Wicca and I believe it is a tradition that Wicca needed. On forums I earned the reputation of being a Christian Wiccan myself, defending the right of Wiccans to
choose between pantheons, including that of Christianity. In Russian Wiccan community there actually are Christowiccans (those who practice Wicca and Christianity “apart”, reserving the Circle for God and
Goddess and the Church for Christ), but I personally don’t know people who include Christ or Mary or Magdalene in their Wiccan life and/or magic. The peculiar Russian “dvoyeveriye” (“double-belief”), meaning
an almost 50/50 mixture of pre-Christian and Eastern Orthodox Christian practices – has been known ever since the very start of Christianization of Rus’ in the 10-11th centuries. One of its most interesting outcomes, for instance, is the folkloric perception of the Trinity (“Troitsa”) as a female deity separate from God the Father, Christ or Holy Ghost.
Илл.: А. Галлен-Каллела. Язычество и христианство